I woke up this morning and laid in my bed for over an hour, pondering and praying. Pondering about a lot of different things, mostly related to my work with Global Capacity. The level of need here is so great, and I get discouraged and a bit cynical at times. Not that we can't accomplish much here, but the world is such a big place. And it is filled with lots of places with need. It is easy to feel inconsequential in the grand scheme of things. The purpose of Global Capacity is to provide aid in various developing countries, not just in Rwanda. So, one day we will be focusing on a different country, with its own set of problems and needs. My heart has been ripped apart so much here already and it can feel unbearable at times to think that I will be exposed to so much more suffering throughout the years to come.
I am also wondering if leaving home to be in a different country for months at a time is for me. I am someone who thrives on routine and stability, so being gone for six months is a stretch for me. And since I hope to have a family some day (actually I am thinking through the issue of remarriage too), I wonder how this will work. Do I want to be away from my parents and brothers and their families too? And how about the amazing community of friends and church that I love so dearly? I cannot believe that I am questioning all of this. I never thought I would be at this point. Is it selfish of me to doubt that I can do this? If I choose a different path will I always look back and wonder what could have happened? So, this is a matter of God working in me to change me in to the person He wants me to be. Maybe He doesn't want me to rely on routine and predictability as I prefer to. What if He wants to stretch me and empty out of me all that is me, so that He can me fill me up with all that is Him?
I honestly don't know the answer and am not resolved about this, so I will continue to seek after Him.
I am also wondering if leaving home to be in a different country for months at a time is for me. I am someone who thrives on routine and stability, so being gone for six months is a stretch for me. And since I hope to have a family some day (actually I am thinking through the issue of remarriage too), I wonder how this will work. Do I want to be away from my parents and brothers and their families too? And how about the amazing community of friends and church that I love so dearly? I cannot believe that I am questioning all of this. I never thought I would be at this point. Is it selfish of me to doubt that I can do this? If I choose a different path will I always look back and wonder what could have happened? So, this is a matter of God working in me to change me in to the person He wants me to be. Maybe He doesn't want me to rely on routine and predictability as I prefer to. What if He wants to stretch me and empty out of me all that is me, so that He can me fill me up with all that is Him?
I honestly don't know the answer and am not resolved about this, so I will continue to seek after Him.
2 comments:
Matthew,
I will be praying for you about this conflict you're having with spending months away from home now, and possibly in your future. God wants to use us and have us be ripped out of our comfort zones... don't be scared or worried. It is all part of His plan, and your life will still happen, maybe just not the way YOU planned.
Hi, Matt--just want to encourage you with verse that God has been encouraging me with lately. It's Romans 15:13-"Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."
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