I have been experiencing so many different feelings here. They change so often. Today they have gone from thankfulness and joy, to frustration, to being extremely overwhelmed, to loneliness, to satisfaction, to compassion, and again to thankfulness. There are three things that I have found help me when I am experiencing the inevitable, negative feelings that I do. Prayer has been the most significant, as it gets me grounded with God and He reminds me of the reality of my situation. That it is normal for me to feel the way I do, that it is just my fifth day here, that He will never leave me nor forsake me, that the same power that raised Jesus Christ from the dead lives in me. This last truth is one that I cling on to because I expect for God to do anything in my life that He wants to if I will let Him. So, I can believe that He will bring me through rough times. Scripture reading has also helped, although I haven't been able to have a Bible with me as much as I would like since I lost mine on the way here. Thankfully I have Bible software on my computer that I use. Kinyarwanda study also helps me when I am frustrated. I have found that learning even five new words and then applying them builds my self-confidence up a lot. I know I have a long, long way to go until I can carry on a meaningful conversation, but I have the motivation and desire to do so.
Wherever I go everyone stares at me. At first it didn't bother me but now I am getting a bit sick of it. I would like to fit in like everyone else and not be a spectacle everywhere I go. I know that is impossible due to my muzungu appearance. But, I can do what I can, like shave my head like many Rwandans do, keep my iPod in my bagpack instead of listening to it when I am walking in Gitarama, and use kinyarwanda expressions as much as possible even when I don't want to. I have learned to monitor myself as much as possible.
Sometimes I don't even feel like leaving the house because most of the time I feel like everything on the outside is difficult. On the inside we have a beautiful housekeeper, Hadesha (sp?), who cooks and cleans for us. We also have a nightguard, Jean Claude, who watches over us and makes sure we are safe. Then there is Jean Paul, who helps us understand the language and culture and will run errands for us if we need him to. We speak English inside the house and there is no confusion, no frustration, no hard work. But then we leave the house and we are faced with confusion, frustration, and hard work. But I know the three things that help me deal with these feelings, so I remember that life here is manageable and doable, and amazing.
Wherever I go everyone stares at me. At first it didn't bother me but now I am getting a bit sick of it. I would like to fit in like everyone else and not be a spectacle everywhere I go. I know that is impossible due to my muzungu appearance. But, I can do what I can, like shave my head like many Rwandans do, keep my iPod in my bagpack instead of listening to it when I am walking in Gitarama, and use kinyarwanda expressions as much as possible even when I don't want to. I have learned to monitor myself as much as possible.
Sometimes I don't even feel like leaving the house because most of the time I feel like everything on the outside is difficult. On the inside we have a beautiful housekeeper, Hadesha (sp?), who cooks and cleans for us. We also have a nightguard, Jean Claude, who watches over us and makes sure we are safe. Then there is Jean Paul, who helps us understand the language and culture and will run errands for us if we need him to. We speak English inside the house and there is no confusion, no frustration, no hard work. But then we leave the house and we are faced with confusion, frustration, and hard work. But I know the three things that help me deal with these feelings, so I remember that life here is manageable and doable, and amazing.
2 comments:
Matayo,
I know you are capable of anything with God. Negative feelings are inevitable, but I think you're handling them in the best way possible. It is so exciting to be in a foreign land with different culture and language, but it's also the most frustrating, exhausting thing you could experience. I know you will become fluent.. keep doing what you're doing, and take it one day at a time! :)
Thanks for your honesty in how you're feeling. I know Jesus has felt the same way, who came to earth as a stranger and was rejected in the world he has himself made. Invite Jesus to walk with you. I think these days of lonliness and frustration serve to prove your passion. Passion comes from the word for suffering. As you suffer, remember that it proves your passion for the people of Rwanda, for your mission and ultimately your passion for God as you wouldn't be doing this if you didn't feel called by God to do it. You are an inspiration!
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